FUCKING BITCH

So I am feeling rather low and instead of cry I want to just share my feelings. At a loss for words. Yesterday I am at the hospital when I get a call from my little brother who mind you is 21 years old 22 in January. Now he is known by many to be a trouble maker, bit of a story streacher and lier who tries to turn everything in his direction. Now as I pick up the phone to Irate screaming I begin to tell him to calm down. He is yelling saying his baby mother told him someone was talking shit about him and he think it was me. ( NOW mind you they have a long drawn out history and his isnt what you would call sain. To top it off I dont think I spoke to her on a phone since the night he as arrested for stalking her LIKE I SAID LOON) Now as I am telling him he will not disrespect me yelling in my phone and reminding him I am 9 months pregnant and very fragile and not able to deal with stress CONTINUES to scream. What do I do !!! Call my mother ( the woman who birth me ) Let her know that he called me yelling in my phone and I am under enough stress dont need anymore and if he keep up I will get a restraining order on him myself. She say "OH JAMIE NO NEED TO BE THAT FUCKING DRAMATIC" and hangs up the phone in my ear. Not even 5 minutes later calls my sister to have my sister tell me. She wont be helping with my baby shower or doing anything for me, not to call her or talk to her and Leave her the fuck alone. So Me being Extreamly Irate that she hangs on the word of my loser brother who wont get a job and sits on his ass as she enables him. CALL HER BACK !!! TOLD HER AND I QUOTE " Mom i know you just didnt call my sister and back out of yet another obligation to me or one of my children ( ON GOING FOR YEARS AND YEARS) because I said if he kept disrespecting and harassing me I would deal with it since you cant control him. She said listen here you FUCKING BITCH!! Im done with you. All you do is cause drama I had enough of it. I told her oh you know what I am done with you. She calls back and leaves a rapid and completely angry message on my voice mail. You FUCKING BITCH!! You have nerve to tell me what I have done to you! .. I dont want you to call me, come near my house, & I want my 60.00 you FUCKING BITCH ... (Now mind you this money is something she called a gift to my son and husband that I now have to pay her back for AS LONG AS I OWE YOU .. YOULL NEVER GO BROKE) Who do you know!!! okay let me rephrase that. What kind of mother jumps to her 21 year old sons protection even when he is wrong to tell her daughter of 28 years that she is a FUCKING BITCH ... Let me ask her this simple qestion. When he is back behind bars & ohhhhhhhh He will be WHO WILL BE BY YOUR SIDE THIS TIME. Cause im going to be the one begging them to give him life so maybe you can act like a mother to the other 6 children you have that actually do for you when you come crying because your baby boy does you wrong and is reuining your life. DONT COME KNOCKING NO ONE FEELS BAD ANYMORE ... IM GOING TO BE PRAYING FOR YOU because THAT THING AINT RIGHT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

starting over again

I was just sitting here think about the way my life used to be & why i used to be so pathetic. I just into a relations ship heavy at a young age and never cared who i hurt as long and I had all i wanted. I was a bit a a young minded thing growing up .. Mom was an alchoolic. Dad left us .. Nothing to do but take my anger out on this world..

I remember the last time my step father beat my mother. They day my life went down the drain. Although hers did way before mine. I was about nine when he left. I few weeks in I had taken a lipstick and bluch from a friend of mines mother. Her mother said she was over it but my dad was highly embarrised. That night he came home drunk made me pull my pants down and whooped me with 1st a belt.. Then his hand.. Then a bored that he didnt know till blood started pooring had nails in it... They sent me to school the next morning while unable to sit and crying all day. The nurse wouldnt allow me to go home from school. The police brought me home. Took him out in hand cuffs. I didnt realize it was abuse wasnt the first time he made me feel that way. When i woke the next morning my mom promised me things would get better .. a week later daddy was back and mommy was pregnant with my baby brother. He stuck around a little while later i was turning 10 when he said he was leaving ... Mommy lost the house. Alone with 6 kids. Older sister moved out and got married.. Just my big brother and sis to take care of me and my three younger brothers and sister... We moved into a i bedroom apartment in trenton over a store... Nothing was ever about me anymore I alwasys felt like a soul. My mom could pay rent was on welfare. wouldnt stop drinking. We got evicted again.. I went to stay with my grandma along with my sister... Although it was nice being away from the alchool it sucked being 2nd best at everything cause my sister was always more important then me ... my sister and I done many things wrong but I was the only one who go punished. My mom started to shape up .. Went to a womans help center called womans space Thank goodness took us with her.. I was sooooooooooooo happy to be there all i needed was to be back with her alothough she wasnt perfect it was the safest place to be now that daddy was gone.. We moved from the woman shelter to house in hamilton NJ ... The hous had its issues but our family did its best to stay there... We where happy even though mom never stopped drink .. food stamps saved us from starving i had chrissy my BFF .. She was there all our lives this time she lived around the corner. MY mom got kicked off the rental program and eventually lost the house ... We got another house on liberty street and that when i started to become the terrible girl.. MOved to trenton Started doing drugs... WEED ACID popping Pills... Drinking... I finally turned 15 got a job working with a friend making 1500.00 a week ... WHO CAN SAY THAT .... My mom got mad cause I was eaving with my friend at 15,, called the cops had me brought home. Said she was throughing me a sweet 16 party... She went out and party as i cried myself to sleep... Then I grew up Got a job at mc donalds and though my mom took most of it to drink away and called it rent money .. I didnt care I was away from her. I ment a man who i thought would take me away from all of this ... & he did in his own way ... for 11 years i followed his every word.. got pregnant at 18 he told his mother was my fault and she ripped me to the ground the next day i misscarried my 3 month old fetus... He said it wasnt the right time... Then i discovered he was cheating on me.. it hadnt been the first time and I was more then sure it wouldnt be the last .. many females over the years and when i got smart and ready to leave BAMMMMM YOUR pregnant I was 20 years old. He was at collage I got the shaft. Every day it was are you getting rid of it... i want it but he will ruin us ... by time i said yes the baby was to big.. Then he tried forcing me into adoption... I talk to counslers and social workers at the end of the day april 5th 5 am I knew i was keeping him... I had nothing ... No way to take care of him and no where to stay my mother kicked me out when my sons fther kicked her out of my hospital room ... Where do i got from there my mom took everyone who cared for me away from me... I moved in with he and his mother and my unwanted baby became my savior.. while the man i loved and I went down the drain his mother became the mother I never had.. & the best grandmother in the world ... my mom finally got clean but alot that i thought was alchool was still there .. she was bitter and didnt care for anyone... she became a good grandmother .. My Son became my rock.. I put all my time into being a better person for him ... His dad left us went into the army and didnt look back but we where ok ... his mom took care of us .. i went to work full time .. got my driver lic. dimploma, 2 years of collage, happy baby boy.. when andrew was three I decided to get a life ... ended it completely with his father who was always so far away ... hummm until false promises of a family .. I got up packed my son and me ... Up and left every single person i knew. Family upset friends mad ... 4 months later i was back starting fresh and needing time to get away ... Mata started watching andrew .. I started partying and got a life ... i had just turned 26 my life had just began as a teenager 2 years before that.Then I started over again I met the greatest man in the world. started as sex.. then friends ... and now three years later my husband and about to be father of our up and coming son.. He treated me like a woman is saposed to be treated gives and gave me all i ever wanted.. he cherishes the ground I walk on and I do the same for him ... I pray every day and thank god for finally giving me what i deserve.. My mother is clean and actually cares to some extent.. My son is a very happy 7 year old boy .. who has a part time dad that My husband gladly fills in for. A great grandmother who will reach out to him for any and everything... & a mother who would die for him ... & a baby brother witch had been asking for a while... Me huhhhhh Happily Married to a great man... Life throughs curve balls shoot i still have a couple but I am in love and as long as I have my love and faith I will always be alright !!!!

Anxiously Awaiting Our BABY BOY!!!

As my husband & I are gracefully & ANXOIUSLY awaity our baby boy. It seems he might be starting to get ready to come as well. He is growing so fast and there is barely enough from for him anymore. Everynight I pray he come to us just as healty and Andrew was. The Doctors have been saying that at 36 weeks if my pressure is still high they may take him out. OMG how that scares me he will be a whole month early. So many things run through my head. Are his lungs going to be fully formed? Is his heart ready to come into this world? Is his liver ready? Will he be healthy? What are the chances of something being wrong with my baby if you take him before he is ready? Will I be ready? What would I do if something goes wrong because they have taken him early? ARGGGG!!! So many emotions and the Doctor tells me to calm down. As I sit and I realize everything my husband and I have been through. My past relationships, His past relationships... We deserve to be happy with are healthy baby boy whom we have prayed for day in and day out. I cant wait to see what he looks like. How tall will he be? What color eyes? any hair? How much will he weigh? I am so anxious to find out. Will he look like me ? will he look like david? We he have a little of us both. We he be blessed with my blue eyes or davids brown eyes? I just cant wait to kiss his little face and hands and toes. I cant wait to whisper how much I love him when he can here me. Every night Davids ask the same questions. He says he cant wait until Devin is fermly asleep on his chest and he can hug and kiss him. I know it sounds weird. This is the first time I have been able to enjoy being a mother. As I sit and wait I think of all the things that where taken from me the first. All the things would not allow me to miss this time. So excited, So overwhelmed, So ready To finally recieve a blessing that has been placed opon this world we get to call our own !!!